Sometimes I have to stop and take a look at myself.
- I’ve lost 112lbs in the last year – using the tool of a gastric bypass and running, combined with healthy eating.
- I’ve given birth to 5 healthy, and mostly happy little girls.
- I’m a decent mother – for the most part.
Why only decent? This is the part that makes me pause. I spend a lot of my time being irritated or irritable. I am snappy, grumpy and sometimes, and I hate to admit this, down right rude to my girls. I can’t plead PMS… unless that’s an all day, every day, all year long thing.
So I have to wonder… am I acting like this towards my children because I am just plain irritable or am I acting this way because I can’t do what I want to do, when I want to do it.
I think it’s the latter. Please… don’t get me wrong. I adore my children with every breath that I take. I want to be with them, spend time with them, and generally love all over them. Sometimes I find myself resenting the time I spend with them, or doing things for them and it turns me into a horrible bitch… I think. I get sick of the endless amounts of laundry I have to do. (This was made worse in the last month with my dryer breaking no less than three times and Geeksquad taking FOREVER to fix it). I feel chained the the kitchen, chained to the house and worst off all, chained to these small people who do or want nothing more than to climb all over me, play, scream, yell, whine and be the small human beings that they are.
I want to have time where it’s just me. I can do what I want to do, when I want to, without feeling like I am letting someone down. I want to play Sims 3, without the little voice in my head telling me what I should be doing instead of playing the game. I want to be able to sleep in on the weekends. To NOT watch Nick Jr with the same shows they’ve been playing (to my knowledge) for the last 9 years. Have some time where I don’t have to change diapers, be sole care provider for five small people and just worry about me.
It feels like that is impossible. Well sometimes. Maybe this is just a case of the Oh. My. God!!!! Go back to school alreadys. Maybe I just need a break… an hour to myself… all to myself. For instance, whilst I write this, I am being climbed over by Hannah – who is insisting on holding my hand (hers is so warm and soft – lovely!), whilst she pulls on my ears to make my tongue go from one side of my mouth to the other. All the while watching Gabrielle sleep in the swing (her hand is tucked up under her cheek, and she’s dream suckling – so sweet!) and keeping an eye on the oldest three who are swimming, fully dressed in the swimming pool. What?! Dressed. *sigh* Like I don’t have enough laundry to do. I asked Samantha why they were dressed, and she said it is because it feels cool and funny. Alrighty then… what can I say to that? In the background is the sound of the dishwasher doing it’s first wash of the day and the music the washing machine plays when it’s finished it cycle. I have sausage rolls and bread to make this morning too.
This week, last week, and the week to come, makes me feel anxious. I feel like I am lost in the roll of parent/mother and it makes me sound selfish. Next week I’ll be wondering around the house (for three hours) and wonder what to do with myself. Three small people in school – two of them full time, one until Midday. Monday will be the worst of all because Naomi starts kindergarten. Starting next week, the next 10 months will be an endless round of taxi’ing little people to and from school, ballet classes and piano lessons.
So I’d say I am a decent parent. I can wipe noses, watch my babies sleep, miss them when they are gone or get older, hold their hair whilst they are sick, wipe fevered brows, hug, kiss and love on them. But I have a strong need to just be myself sometimes. Maybe I’ll stop feeling this way when I start back to school in Feb 2012. Then I’ll be doing something for myself.
So, in short, I am a decent parent, and maybe it’s not that I am irritated that I am angry because I can’t do what I want when I want. It’s because, like all people on this great planet of ours, I need a break, just to be me sometimes. I chose to have all these wonderful little people… I just don’t want to be defined by them. So, it’s time to take a deep breath, and cherish the few moments I do get. After all… they really only this little for such a short time.